In the hallowed halls of Washington, where the drinks are flowing and government funding is running amok, a group of insular bureaucrats have recently gathered, posing as scientists. They are not here to debate scientific breakthroughs or marvel at the wonders of the universe. No, they were there wringing their hands, trembling with fear, because — terrible fear — Donald Trump might become president again.
The American Geophysical Union (AGU) holds its annual meeting, and this year the theme isn't climate change, sea level rise or polar bears. It's a full-on therapy for government-funded climate warriors who are panicking at the thought of losing their comfortable sinecures. You might think they spotted an asteroid hurtling toward Earth, but that's not the case. What are their real fears? Budget cuts. Or worse: accountability.
Revelation now, fund me later
According to reports, the atmosphere at this scientific event was as joyful as a goldfish's funeral. words like this Censorship, funding cutsand layoffs They're being tossed around as if Trump has taken it upon himself to cut their travel allowances. These professional alarmists didn’t even wait until the president-elect was inaugurated before they went into collective meltdown.
Andrew Dessler, a climate scientist at Texas A&M University and chairman of AGU's Global Environmental Change Division, said that as the impact of climate change intensifies, Trump officials may shut down the website again and hide years of research results from the public.
“People are really a little tired,” he said. “It's not that we have evidence that it's going to be bad. It's just that if you look at what they're saying, that's clearly what they want to do.
Trump’s climate threats rattle world’s biggest science meeting
After all, Trump has the audacity to question their sacred dogma—climate change—and joke that rising sea levels might create more coastal real estate. Blasphemy!
One AGU official even declared: “Everyone at AGU is nervous. The unknown makes people nervous. Oh, and the scary part is not knowing whether taxpayers will continue to fund their favorite slideshow on global warming! It's not science; This is science. This is a badly written soap opera.
Project 2025: A Bureaucratic Nightmare
What scares these bureaucratic activists so much? Enter 2025 planthe Heritage Foundation’s blueprint to make the federal government slightly less bloated. This despicable document proposes eliminating wasteful spending, cutting agency staff, and — heaven forbid — demanding results from federal programs. Imagine how shameful it is to expect scientists to justify their work! If you didn't know better, you might think Trump planned to ban lab coats altogether.
AGU attendees believed the plan would spell doom for agencies like NOAA and the EPA. They worry that “climate translators” (yes, it's true) will lose their jobs, just like Department of Defense engineers who can't Google “climate data” without a chaperone.
Pacific Northwest National Laboratory's Brandenberg said her message to staff is to “keep calm and carry on.” But she points out that change is possible. Certain words may be less harmful than others. Her office is staffed with more than 100 “climate translators” to help Defense Department engineers understand climate data for the future, but their fate remains uncertain.
Trump’s climate threats rattle world’s biggest science meeting
Meanwhile, the newly created Department of Government Effectiveness, headed by Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, has become a nightmare for these ivory tower types. Musk wants to send people to Mars, but somehow that poses a threat to NASA's Earth science programs. Priorities, people.
“Everyone is demoralized,” the NASA scientist said, adding that Musk’s potential influence at the agency — especially his dream of sending manned exploration teams to Mars — could affect NASA’s The bureau’s earth science program may compete with climate programs for funding.
Trump’s climate threats rattle world’s biggest science meeting
Censorship and euphemism
The clutching of pearls doesn’t stop there. Federal employees worry they may have to stop using things like climate change Instead use euphemisms, e.g. extreme weather. Interestingly, when climate skeptics (such as this site) are demoted and banned, they are not worried about censorship. But now their bureaucratic turf is threatened, and they are ready to storm the barricades of free speech.
One NASA scientist, who remains anonymous (because bravery is clearly not their strong suit), lamented the possible end of the work-from-home rule. Forget saving the planet; these people are fighting to assert their right to attend Zoom meetings in their pajamas.
The real tragedy? accountability
Underpinning all this hysteria is an undeniable fact: these so-called scientists are not afraid of bad policy. They are afraid of responsibility. The first Trump administration exposed their bloated budgets, redundant programs and questionable research. No wonder they panic at the thought of a second term.
Take physicist Will Happer, who tried to organize a formal review of climate science during Trump’s first term. The resistance he faces comes not from the left but from Republican appointees who care more about optics than truth. Heaven forbid anyone find holes in their unreliable models and politically motivated forecasts.
Dark humor and lightweight wallets
To lighten the mood, some attendees resorted to dark humor. A National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) official joked that “the mood is good again,” improvising on Trump's slogan. But behind the wisecracks lies a stark reality: These bureaucrats know their days of unfettered power may be numbered.
Legal experts at the conference provided tutorials on lobbying laws and how to survive mass layoffs. Imagine needing legal counsel to figure out how to keep your government job. This is the kind of bureaucratic self-examination that only the Beltway could produce.
Keep calm and carry on (or not)
Ultimately, the advice for these nervous Nellies is simple: Keep calm and carry on. But that's easier said than done when your entire career depends on public fear and political support. What they are really worried about is not that climate change will destroy the planet; The Trump administration could destroy their gravy train.
After the meeting adjourned, attendees shuffled toward government-funded offices, reusable coffee cups in hand, hoping to return to the status quo in the Biden era. After all, why bother solving the real problem when you can scare taxpayers into funding your next climate model?
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